Archive for the ‘Healing Journey’ Category

I’m thinking about this  and loving it and wrestling with it at the same time. and just like any big issue it doesn’t get settled (or anything remotely like settled) in one conversation – or possibly in a million conversations as long as we are in “this life”.

Still I’m asking the question.  What does that mean when we don’t meet this standard of God’s design or perhaps the idea of “rightness” that is in the mind of anyone of any religion or belief.

OH my goodness!  My challenge is to keep this idea in reasonable proportions so that I can process it.  So many people so many ideas so many belief systems in this wonderful world of ours.




To try…

Let’s just say for the sake of argument that God’s Design is the standard  (It’s the one I know); that the Bible truly reveals what that perfection is that God revealed in Adam and Eve before the choosing of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.

Since that moment in time none of us have met that standard.  Some just look more like they do than others.  And I think when a person looks like it and lives a life that seems to be “blessed” then it’s easy to forget that we really don’t.

Let’s face it.  Christians are notorious for this attitude and I will call them out because I spent so many years of my life in that world.  That was where my beginning thoughts developed and it’s also where I learned to condemn myself as being “broken” because of the depression I couldn’t shake.  After all, what little I learned about my family history showed that I came from two lines of people who were to varying degrees broken emotionally.   Mostly depression, some bi-polar, I heard.  Shock treatments for a grandmother.  The dysfunctions of the generations found  expression in my own generation and well, I passed it on before I knew what was going on.

Certainly I was broken.  Certainly I did not meet God’s Design.

I knew that something was wrong.  I condemned myself for it.  My prayer so often in the beginning of my Christian life was “what am I doing wrong”.  That was back when I thought that “doing the right stuff” should solve the problems.  Then the day came when I realized that this was probably not going to get any better.  EVER.  E.V.E.R.   My journey to wholeness should have healed me (I thought) but it didn’t.  What despair – I could not handle life.

Then one day God – in that amazing way that he has of just stepping into a situation when that situation is perfectly ripe and ready to be plucked out spoke to my heart and said he wasn’t trying to fix me.

Not trying to fix me.   Not trying to fix me.   NOT TRYING TO FIX ME.

He never tried to console me;  never patted me on the back and said that everything would be alright.  He never tried to even pretend that HE made me the way I was but that it was OK that I was the way I was.

It was OK with him – sort of.

He just made me to know that as I was at that moment I was completely acceptable and if that was the best I could do then OK.  But He knew that was not my best and He knew He could bring out something better from me.  From that moment on my ability to deal with my own brokenness began to change and my life began to change.  Not all immediately.  I went further to get to the roots of some of the brokenness in my soul and my spirit – but that’s a story for another day.

Now since this thought process is not just supposed to be about me I’m going try and move back into the bigger picture.  But that thought and what God did for me in that moment gave me the understanding that I am trying to live in today.

I think to just say that “I’m born that way” is to skirt the bigger issue if you are a believer in this mighty God.   I honestly don’t know what works for other religions/belief systems.   But with God the point is that we don’t necessarily HAVE to stay that way.  Sometimes we do and maybe we always really do because I never really think of myself as beyond the grasp of depression.  I understand that I process things through a dark filter and sometimes I really have to think my way through something to come back out into the light.

He taught me how to do that.  He taught me how to recognize the brokenness and to see the cracks in my shield and how to mend them. He took me to the place of that dark filter and we have done some redesign work on it.  But I’m still in this humanity.  He has never said to me that I would never go dark again.


As a believer in a good God (not absolutely of the Christian subculture anymore)…..

I believe that we are all broken in some way, some more than others.  I believe we need to recognize this and understand it and get in agreement with God’s perspective on our broken places.  I believe we can find wholeness in Him but we have to choose it and be willing to go on a healing/growing/maturing journey with Him to find out who He really created us to be and how our own particular “brokennesses” fit into his eternal plan.

And I believe the judgments we hold against one another should be dropped and stopped.  I believe we should spend more time learning how to live the expression of HIS GRACE and MERCY in this world.  I believe we need to spend more time understanding LOVE as an ACTION VERB rather than a FEELING to be enamored with.  This doesn’t just happen – another thing that I see as a journey in itself.

That’s a tall order for a world of people who are taught to live in their rights instead of in responsibility.   I really don’t expect us to do this in this time/space continuum we call now.

Still, I will continue to work on these things in my own life and will continue to encourage others where I can and to try to be life-giving in my sphere.


My goodness that was some heavy duty thinking.   Now to move on.

These photos of leaves don’t really do the actual leaf the justice I would like but I love the jewel like quality that these dead broken decaying leaves have as they hang in the sunlight.

JPEG of-2 JPEG of-3 JPEG of-4 JPEG of-5



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What’r ya gonna do.

You get ready to review and send those two class papers that you spent a day and a half plus all the little bits of time here and there when you were looking up the info that you would need for the day and a half finalizing time and guess what?  Apparently you did not save your finished version of paper #2.


OK – some perspective here.  It is not a big hard paper.  Paper #1 was the harder one.  But it’s the idea.  It IS frustrating to look and look and look and it just keeps on not being there.

The upside?  This is a proof of life moment for me.  Yes, really it is.  I remember the day when something just this simple could send me into an emotional tailspin of despair over ALL the things wrong in my life and endless recriminations.  Such dark days.

But when I came across this the other day I felt none of that.

Was I frustrated?  YES

Was I aggravated?  YES

Did I despair?  NO   I moved on.

Make a plan for another day to sit down and remember what you wrote.   Be thankful that you’re not a “wait til the last minute and create a terrible crises person” (although I know some people thrive on crises – find something else to be thankful for : ) ).


Make a new plan

Move on



One of the dancing ladies in a fountain at Kaufmann Gardens, Kansas City, MO

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